My dear lovelies,
It’s been an eventful 2 months. I don’t know how or where to begin. I will begin with Alfie, because I am in love with him. Alfie and I continued on our adventures as before. We enjoyed long walks and good food, great films and pretty good sex. Meanwhile, Nana and her girl have progressed to the point of meeting parents. In fact, she took her to a wedding we were both invited to and which I graciously did not go but was still furious that she took the girl. They are more lovey dovey than ever and Nana and I grow more distant daily. She treats me like I’m an annoying sibling and I’ve finally convinced myself to stop washing her dishes and laundry and asking her back for money when I pay for stuff first. – I hate it. I’ve spontaneously cried thrice on the subways home now. More will come. These days, I’ve even been listening to our wedding playlist. I miss Nana. Not the Nana now, but old Nana from 2008. I miss old Nana terribly, but she is long gone.
Meanwhile meanwhile Craig and I continued to hang out, once a week and then more frequently. And then came sex, then came nice text messages, then came sleepovers, a couple of disagreements, an overnight trip and then a couple of nights ago, he turned up at midnight for what I thought was a bootie call. And then it turned out to be ‘The Talk’, at the end of which, I was ‘girlfriend’ and he was ‘boyfriend’. He’s a very similar to Nana. He is moody, he’s alittle bossy, he complains about people and work, he is not entirely sociable, he’s pretty messy. He’s different from Nana in that he watches sports, knows next to nothing of pop culture, intensely private except when drunk. So really, I don’t know what I’m doing with him aside from the fact that it’s like being with Nana without the baggage, and he’s affectionate, very affectionate. I’m appreciative of that. It’s like he knows how to be a boyfriend. I bet it comes with age and experience. I bet Nana is super awesome with this girl now. There is a chance I will be loved the way I want to be loved.
So, yes, I’ve stopped seeing Alfie. I began to think about it a month ago on my birthday, which I spent with Alfie. He got me the most considered and thoughtful present I had ever been given. Ever. And he was gentle and loving and I couldn’t say it. He is my perfect other half, whom I love and respect and admire. But then, he will never be mine or love me like someone who will. So a fortnight ago, prosperous with the abundance of affection Craig showered on me, I wrote Alfie an email to say goodbye. He called and called and eventually he came over. We ordered pizza, fucked, and reminisced every date we had in the last 11 months. I teared a little and then more when he left.
So now I have a boyfriend whom I don’t love, an ex lover whom I do and tomorrow, Nana and I will have an informal mitigation meeting with 2 friends present. Shit. But somehow, it is all moving forwards.
That’s it y’all. Living with a tight chest has become second nature. Who knows what dreams may come?
ps. Sex with Craig is awesome. He’s effing massive and it’s goooood!!!