Almost a new chapter

My dear lovelies,

It’s been an eventful 2 months. I don’t know how or where to begin. I will begin with Alfie, because I am in love with him. Alfie and I continued on our adventures as before. We enjoyed long walks and good food, great films and pretty good sex. Meanwhile, Nana and her girl have progressed to the point of meeting parents. In fact, she took her to a wedding we were both invited to and which I graciously did not go but was still furious that she took the girl. They are more lovey dovey than ever and Nana and I grow more distant daily. She treats me like I’m an annoying sibling and I’ve finally convinced myself to stop washing her dishes and laundry and asking her back for money when I pay for stuff first. – I hate it. I’ve spontaneously cried thrice on the subways home now. More will come. These days, I’ve even been listening to our wedding playlist. I miss Nana. Not the Nana now, but old Nana from 2008. I miss old Nana terribly, but she is long gone.

Meanwhile meanwhile Craig and I continued to hang out, once a week and then more frequently. And then came sex, then came nice text messages, then came sleepovers, a couple of disagreements, an overnight trip and then a couple of nights ago, he turned up at midnight for what I thought was a bootie call. And then it turned out to be ‘The Talk’, at the end of which, I was ‘girlfriend’ and he was ‘boyfriend’. He’s a very similar to Nana. He is moody, he’s alittle bossy, he complains about people and work, he is not entirely sociable, he’s pretty messy. He’s different from Nana in that he watches sports, knows next to nothing of pop culture, intensely private except when drunk. So really, I don’t know what I’m doing with him aside from the fact that it’s like being with Nana without the baggage, and he’s affectionate, very affectionate. I’m appreciative of that. It’s like he knows how to be a boyfriend. I bet it comes with age and experience. I bet Nana is super awesome with this girl now. There is a chance I will be loved the way I want to be loved.

So, yes, I’ve stopped seeing Alfie. I began to think about it a month ago on my birthday, which I spent with Alfie. He got me the most considered and thoughtful present I had ever been given. Ever. And he was gentle and loving and I couldn’t say it. He is my perfect other half, whom I love and respect and admire. But then, he will never be mine or love me like someone who will. So a fortnight ago, prosperous with the abundance of affection Craig showered on me, I wrote Alfie an email to say goodbye. He called and called and eventually he came over. We ordered pizza, fucked, and reminisced every date we had in the last 11 months. I teared a little and then more when he left.

So now I have a boyfriend whom I don’t love, an ex lover whom I do and tomorrow, Nana and I will have an informal mitigation meeting with 2 friends present. Shit. But somehow, it is all moving forwards.

That’s it y’all. Living with a tight chest has become second nature. Who knows what dreams may come?

ps. Sex with Craig is awesome. He’s effing massive and it’s goooood!!!


What will Alfie do?

Alfie asked yesterday if we wanted to hang out tonight. I said I couldn’t and then decided to ask Craig over instead. So he is. This afternoon, Alfie badgered me abit and so he came over late afternoon and we had a nice time I think? But I was annoyed thinking how he was annoyed that I couldn’t hang out tonight. I was annoyed because he could only hang out because his girlfriend was busy. He is used to me being on the submissive and ‘yes, ok’ side. I wonder how long he will take this when it happens again.

I like Craig

I like Craig. I wish I named him better now. Alfie is an amazing rebound. He’s helped me so much and now it’s time to give back and even it out. He’s going to be my birthday date. I’m glad. I’ve never had a birthday without Nana.

Nana was annoyed with me because last night, she had to come home instead of staying at the girl’s house. The reason being it was all too much for the new girl, meeting me, learning about the truth of the timeline. The timeline– Nana has a different kind of lying streak than I do. She alters and leaves out truths to get away with stuff. So, when she met this new girl, she told her we’d split up for 6 months. That was 2 months ago when she said that, and 2 months ago when she said that, we’d split up for 3 weeks. I told her I would meet and greet and welcome this girl with open arms as long as she knows the truth of this particular situation. I mean Nana told her about me wanting to ‘try again’ and I don’t want her to think I’m a psycho being hung up on it 6 months later. In 6 months, I will have other worries in my life. Anyway, does that story make sense? I mean, I didn’t even want to meet her. She wanted me to meet her. And later, I found out the new girl, let’s call her Patty, really would have preferred to meet me properly rather than turn up at night and wake up in the same flat as me. That was also my preference. So Nana is just pissed off because she messed things up for herself trying to get what she wants immediately. Her impatience will be the death of her. I hope she doesn’t come home tonight.

It begins tonight

I’ve had a lovely breather all week because Nana’s new girl was away. Tonight Nana is picking her up from the airport and bringing her back. I’ve been avoiding writing about this because I didn’t want to think about it. I’ve been avoiding lots of things to not think about it. If I’m lucky and get up early, maybe I won’t run into her at all. I feel sick thinking about it.

Alfie came by on Wednesday and I made us some lunch. I’m a bad cook and he ate it. I think about his super banker girlfriend who bakes perfectly and wished I wasn’t such a housewife, so dependent, so eager to please, so yielding. He brought me peanut M&Ms which I love because he’s just observant like that. Nana never did. Maybe only after 6 years and a lot of grumpy nagging. But Alfie wants something. Did I mention we’re on the prowl for a 3some? When this conversation started, I was excited and curious, now I doubt any gesture he makes.

So I’ve been on 3 dates from the online dating website Nana got me to use. Second guy clearly thought I was a frou frou and the third guy was really gay…the first dude, well, I shall call him Craig (there was Bradremember?).

So Craig and I had a few drinks at a Jazz bar. He was pretty shy and I was having a hung-up-on-my-break-up day so I was super platonic and eventually suggested we went to a strip club. So we did. He had a lot of drinks, bought us both a dance and when we were heading back said self-defeatist things like, ‘I’m clearly not your type…you must think I’m so lame.’ Anyway it was alittle annoying but I felt a bit bad so we made out and then he was still being pathetic so I brought him home to sleep on the couch because he was, well, so drunk. We ended up chatting for a bit more in the living room and then I woke him up in the morning and sent him on the way. We’ve been texting for a week and a half and he’s asked if I wanted to come by some park tomorrow because his friends and him are all having a few drinks there etc. Why am I bothering? I’m slightly intrigued by his self-pitying tendencies and I like the sound of his speaking voice. But that’s it. There were so many things that made me think, ‘oh I don’t like that.’ So whyam I bothering? A rebound? From Alfie or Nana? What the eff for? Everything is soooooo messy!

The Last Dream…perhaps


Just had a dream. These are probably one of the last dreams I will have of Nana.

I can only remember the ending. We argued about money and were both due for flights to different locations. I drew some cashat the machine and stood in my line. I turned round to look at Nana board a bus, one of those that take you to a different terminal I think. And look and look and she is looking too and when we catch each other’s eyes, we smile with excitement and regret and know all have been forgiven, like the way we resolved all the quarrels we had before. I get on the plane and somehow know I am due to spend 5 days 4 nights in Paris and have brought nothing to do. I begin to look for scrap paper to make a list of ‘Things to do in Paris’. I write this heading down and wake up and remember where I am.

Nana and I were ok last night. She left near midnight to go to the new girl’s place. I made a joke and laughed at her when she left. There was no tummyache when I remembered all this this morning. Just a slight squeeze in my chest. And so this is what happens everyday; alittle less, a little less….Hence my hurry to write this down, lest one day it should all feel like it was nothing. Last night, I watched an old episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother‘. It was the eve of Robin’s wedding and about letting the balloon go when he was young. I hope one day when I finally know what I want and find it, I will remember to hold on tight. There are a few tears now, but not the uncontrollable sobbing type, not the ‘it feels like someone died’ type, more like the ‘I miss an old friend or my youth type’. This is what growing up is about to me for now. Looking at old pictures and realising you are a completely different person, and it’s okay. Going to meet Alfie today. I try not to think about who uses who with Alfie and I, and perhaps one day it will become a real friendship, but for now, he’s a very sexy boy who helps me forget things for a while. I mean, I can’t just keep drinking can I? 🙂

I must tell you about the online dating soon!

My day with Alfie

On Saturday, I picked Alfie, his friend and my friend up for a sort of double-date to some quaint village. The day was so relaxed, he’s so bloody chivalrous all the time, I love it!!!! He chilled, he was cuddly on the little boat ride, held my hand when we crossed roads and when I said something and nobody heard, he went, ‘Hey so-and-so, Gigi asked you a question.’

We went back to my friend’s. She made dinner, we played drinking games, it got a bit dirty, We locked ourselves in the bathroom etc. Then I remembered my horrible fight with Nana that morning when she went, ‘I told her she (the new girl) could come over in a couple of weeks.’ And then here was Alfie, so perfect, and so attached to someone else. Then I got drunk and asked him stupid things like how much he liked me and he went, ‘come on, don’t etc’, then he held me tight and I said, ‘I’m so sad A.’ (He knows it’s about Nana and all that shit.) But I did not cry! …I hadn’t had a hug like that in ages. How is it some people just instinctively know what you need? Alfie’s opinion, as always, is that we are too alike. Like some incestuous siblings or something. That people should be with an opposite. I understand, but I really don’t think that always works.

This morning, I got really horny thinking, masturbated and then burst into tears because this song was playing. It’s Paloma Faith’s ‘Only Love Can Hurt Like This’. I miss Nana, I want Alfie, I want to be free of this.

The Impersonator

I love this post about mimicry and seeing through things. I begin daily to see through Alfie and Nana. The hardest right now, is to see through myself. Who the heck am I? I am one person with Nana, another with my friends, another at work, another with Alfie, another with strangers. It would be normal if each of these wasn’t so different from another. Worst of all, I don’t always like each of me.

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

With the advent of the warm weather, Brock and I have taken to practically living on the porch. The house is surrounded by mature trees and shrubs, which provide food and shelter for numerous birds. And squirrels. Always squirrels.

We enjoy sitting with our beverages and watching the live Nat Geo production unfold around us. Several weeks ago, Tiger became interested in the drama, taking an unusual obsession with one corner of the deck where a small tree has wrestled its way through the concrete that surrounds the driveway. We noticed that a blue jay seemed to take special interest in the beast around the same time, often protesting the dog’s presence with loud squawks while practicing an ariel routine fit for the Blue Angels.

During one of these early episodes of bird vs. pit bull, I heard the unmistakable screech of a hawk from high up in a maple…

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